Sunday, May 5, 2013

In All Fairness

It's getting hot out. I was just about to launch into a huge tirade about how damned cold it was when mother nature stopped me mid-sentence. In the blink of an eye, we went from frost to sunshine, and not even the tulips lining the Riverwalk could ease the pain. You see, sunshine is hard on people like me. The moment it touches my skin, I undergo a three-minute transition of frog belly white to whorehouse red. I'm reduced to a quivering mass of third-degree burns for a five-day period, at the end of which there is no golden tan waiting for me. I just shed my skin and begin the process anew.

...but don't ever call me pale! Pale is what happens when John Stamos takes a year off from never aging to hide alone in a cave somewhere. Pale people just haven't seen enough sunlight. Their $60 spray tans rubbed off on the bed sheets, or maybe they just ignored the special offers at the tanning salon. I, however, am not pale, and none of those things could have helped me. I, and others like me, are fair. We're born this way. There may be one or two of us who have such a massive, sun-induced explosion of freckles that we appear to be a more forgiving shade of human, but for the most part...we're just fair...

So when you see someone walking down the street with legs that are a blinding, subterranean white, don't jeer at them. Don't taunt them about their condition. We want to get in on the summer clothes action, and I'll be damned if we forego the sunscreen in doing so. There is no hope for us, you see, the Wednesday Addamses of the world. Much as we'd like to stalk around like Snooki on sunroids, it's just not in the cards.

Tulips don't care.

6 comments:

  1. This is srs business. Are gingers part of the ensemble of fair people or are they a different breed?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're fair...but in a class all their own.

      Delete
  2. Amen, sister. I'm a blue-eyed blonde and because I'm interested in keeping my skin beautiful into old age, I don't tan, either. This obsession our culture has with tanning and unnaturally white teeth is superficial and ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIGHT? Finally, a sane woman! Thanks for reading. :)

      Delete
  3. I really love being in the sun, most probably because I rarely get to see it in London.
    Yes, there are people who have such fair skin that they can't be out in the sun for very long or not at all. Not much they can really do about it, but at least they are not being exposed for excess periods of time to harmless rays. Not everyone realises how dangerous it can be if your not aware of what the sun can do to your skin.

    Don't worry about all this spray stuff, don't follow the crowd I say. Put on a lovely dress, wear a gorgeous hat and enjoy. Just keep healthy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd trade the sun for London any day. Thanks for the encouraging words. :P

      Delete